available.

i keep toying with the idea of online dating {gasp!}. i've typed e-h-a-r-m-o-n-y dot com into my browser exactly two times in the past month. eharmony, you ask? because if i'm going to do it, i'm really going to do it. no sense in wasting any time on the casual and free. let's just get down to business, people!

twice my fingers have opened a new tab and hesitantly started typing the e...h...a...r... and i am filled with both excitement and doubt. oh, the potential... the satisfaction of taking matters into my own hands is exhilarating, while clinging onto the idea of meeting someone organically is still all-consuming.

layered on top of that is a stigma about online dating that many in our society have yet to release, me included. when people speak about it, it's always done so in a whisper. but there should be no shame in it, my loves.

even so, i am consistently bombarded with, oh, everyone online dates! i know so many people who've met online and are now married! with children! {eeek! i just want a little romance}. and yet to every success story, i counter it with... oh, they're college sweethearts! these two met at a bar. it was a set-up...

oh, what to do...? what do to...?

i can't quite seem to get past step one - that silly welcome screen with the most naturally beautiful blonde woman {where i only end up entering name: gina. sex: female.}. while i have no idea what the fill in the blanks of step two may be, i thought i'd take a stab on the place i feel most comfortable writing. here. then maybe i'll do it for real.

so, ready go.

i like to hold hands. especially when we're driving. is that a silly ask? i think so. but there's something about about the sexiness of your hand touching - even my knee - while we are in transit that i simpy cannot resist.

i prefer walking on the inside of the street, protected. and see, it's the gentlemanly thing to do. your mother taught you well.

i wake up early, despite my diligent attempts at sleeping in. but, with you, i'd like to linger. weekends especially, please make me stay in bed. unless of course i drag you to yoga which is one hundred percent likely. but you secretly love it, and usually comply.

i'm not your typical twenty-six year old. i prefer cozy. they say you should be getting all your crazy out in your twenties. well, not this girl.

wine, candlelight, and pink peonies are only three of the dozens of keys to my heart. 

we balance each other out, you + me. you make me calm and comfy and i, you. because that's what makes a partnership great, don't you think? finding the right balance. and laughter. not a day goes by where we don't find ourselves smiling from ear to ear as laughter erupts from deep within. you know, the uninhibited kind.

i like perfect grammar. and a man who is good at his core, because like i've quoted before, when you're good at your core—really, truly, honestly good—love comes easy.*

i want the real deal. genuine, all-consuming, crazy, unconditional, exciting, best-friend love. i'm also kind of a beginner at this stuff. so, maybe you'll go at my pace and we'll honor the path we're both on, the cards we've been dealt, and then we can live happily ever after.

that's all. but see, it's really only the beginning.

no matter what i decide to do, at least putting it out there in this big 'ol universe is a start. sometimes when you ask, you shall receive. and sometimes, life surprises you. as it turns out, that's when it's the sweetest.

*i've used this quote twice now. found over here. gosh, i need to send her a note so we can really become friends. #bloggercrush
**loveys found here, here, and here.

the arena.

about a year ago, i shared one of my favorite ted talks of all time by brené brown. she discusses the importance of vulnerability in our lives and what it means to live whole-heartedly, with courage. in moments of fear, i often reflect on her talk and become rooted in the thought that while feeling vulnerable is scary, it's a necessity for personal growth, positive change, and discovering our own self-worth.

as she states, in her follow up ted talk, "vulnerability is not weakness, it's the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change."



if you have twenty minutes, i'd recommend watching. it may just be the psych major in me, but i can attest that it has some incredibly valuable lessons on shame, and how feelings of not being good enough can get in the way of who we want to be.

as brené says, "may we enter the arena that is our lives, and dare greatly."


it's all happening has truly taught me we must risk feeling vulnerable by speaking our minds to create something beautiful that is true to ourselves. bring on the vulnerability. we need more of it in this world.

foundation.

i'm about to share something from the very deepest part of my heart, okay? i know you won't judge me because you're just that special.

so, here's to a little cheers to vulnerability!

do you ever have the feeling you've known who you wanted to be all along?

let me explain.




a few years ago i wrote this goal chart.

i remember being on my bedroom floor in my first apartment in the city. i think it was late one night when i whipped out my box of crayons {crayons are so underrated, don't you agree?} and stole an extra-long piece of paper from the printer at work. pointless details, i know.

the funny thing is, i've always envisioned myself the same. happy and free from anxiety. me, at the center of my own life, grounded, with an open heart living richly and fully. all i ever really wanted was a strong, sturdy foundation. and i found it within myself.

there i am {stick figure, mind you} sitting in lotus pose reaching up to the suns that hold a goal inside each circle of orange, radiant light. because, each achieved goal is just that. a little accomplishment that adds light to your life.

i envision a ladder as the mode of traveling to each sun. climb high, take one rung at a time. step by step. we're all doing our best.

some burning suns i've accomplished and some i haven't quite yet. but the best part is, i've always known who i want to be and what i want to achieve. the essence of my being is constant. i think that's how it is with most of us.




i believe the sun that aligns the most with the birth of this blog is, "write an anna quindlen book someday." have you ever read one?

oh, you must! she is where i began my love affair with kind, simple words. little "life epiphany" talk, if you will.

well, i realized that it's all happening is my version of an anna quindlen book.

this pleases me to the core. who would have thought!?

when you envision what you want out of your life, it comes true. i promise.

my most favorite untouched sun reads...a healthy relationship. love. romance. connection. open myself up and release inhibition.

as silly as that sounds, i love it. never have i ever felt so ready.

i hope this can inspire you to voice and embrace something you're ready for, my dears. there's no fear in it. it's actually quite liberating.

nothing but love. the best is yet to come.

*being alive found here.

vulnerability.

so i've been thinking about fears upon starting my new book.

i found one in me yesterday. one of many, i'm sure. but i'd like to verbalize this particular one so i can face it head on and get on with it already. or crush it up into dust in my heart of gold and release it into my aura. as per the healer. {but that's a different story for a different day. i promise i'll share it with you when i'm ready}.

so here's the deal.
when i meet new people in places that are out of my comfort zone i get scared. nervous, really. and, i think overall i'm a very friendly person.

bubbly, out-going, jovial. all adjectives i strive to be.

however, there's this "place" in me that gets nervous. i fear the potential awkward energy that may exist if i say the wrong thing to a new person. what if we have nothing in common? what if we don't connect?

a particular incident happened in rusty's class monday night. in the lingering minutes prior to the drumming and the chanting exists the perfect opportunity to say hi to someone near you. remember, sherry?

well, sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable.

i recently watched a seminar on vulnerability from the ted conference by a researcher named brene brown.



if you have a moment, i'd watch.

i love what she says about connection.

"connection is why we're here. it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. in order for connection to happen, we have to let ourselves be seen. really seen."

isn't that powerful? which completely plays into my fear. it's okay to go out on a limb and be open to making a connection with someone. although that state of vulnerability can be intimidating, we're all put on this earth with the equal ability to bond with one another. rusty usually ends his class with this message.

we are all equal no matter what anyone tells you.

i'd love to summarize brene's point here, because it is so right on.

"the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging."

i think this is one of life's greatest challenges. to find our own self worth.

she iterates that sometimes our "fear that we are not worthy of connection" comes into play. in turn, we must all strive to be whole-hearted. i love this term.

here's how the whole-hearted live...

they have courage. the definition of which is derived from the latin word cour or heart and means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. whole-hearted beings have the courage to be imperfect.

they have compassion. the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others because as it turns out we can't practice compassion for other people if we cannot treat our own selves kindly.

and finally, they have connection as a result of authenticity. they are willing to let go of who they think they should be and be who they are. authenticity is completely necessary in order to have deep connection.

i think this is the biggest lesson we learn in our twenties.

she continues, the whole-hearted fully embrace vulnerability and believe that it makes us beautiful.

i love her closing remarks.

we must let ourselves be seen. deeply seen. vulnerably seen.
to love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee.
to practice gratitude and joy in moments of terror. to stop and just say "i'm so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means i'm alive."
to believe that we are enough.




with these lessons, i know my fear is conquerable. on a daily basis i'm striving to live an authentic, whole-hearted, and vulnerable life because i am enough.

may you believe in your own worth.