this one's for the wedding montage.

on october 12th, 2013 my bestest friend got married. and i wrote a speech. speaking in front of others isn't something that comes naturally to me... writing here feels much more comfy. but, it was an absolute thrill so i wanted to share it with you. cheers to love stories!

***

hi, everyone. for those of you i don't know, i'm gina, one of alexis's maids of honors and very best friends. i'm so excited to be up here tonight because i've pretty much been looking forward to this moment since the very first day i met alexis. so, please know it is an absolute gift to be standing here.

i do actually remember the first day i met her {if you don't count the time we serendipitously attended the same info session at usd in the spring of 2003}. it was in the common area of our freshman year dorm at ucsb before school started. she was in a gray sweatshirt, maroon juicy sweatpants, and rocking a bun on top of her head. high school ladies, i'm sure you know the exact look i'm talking about here. it was the freshman year uniform.

and i, ironically enough {while i have no idea what i was wearing} was walking into the dorm with a friend of hers. it was he who initially introduced us, and while i hesitate to give him any credit since we learned shortly thereafter that we were to live directly across the hall from each other, it was this torrey pines mutual friend who bridged that first gap, and i will forever be grateful for that rare moment.

alexis was the first real best friend i ever had. she taught me what it meant to have a supportive, compassionate, trustworthy, loyal, and true person by my side. we were in a scary and unsure phase of life, going off to college... both the oldest of two siblings leaving our families for the first time, both timid to be in a new place... one that consistently made the list of top 10 party schools in the nation, and both very much connected to people and aspects of our home.

i think, looking back on it all, that god sent me alexis as a guardian angel. the closest thing to a sister, aside from my own, that i'd ever have.

in prepping for my speech tonight, i re-lived some of our college days by going back through every facebook message we had ever sent to each other. i don't know if any of you guys have ever done this, but you should because it is a real treat! anyhow, it turns out that i had been writing this speech all along...

the message string began with a message from me on september 16, 2004, which would have been fall of our sophomore year of college, the first of our 3 years living together as roommates.

the subject line read: theta.

the message: theta love!

from there begins an epic coming of age story of two girls navigating college and then transitioning to the real world. the stress, the angst, the insecurity, but also the pep talks, the silliness, and the inspiration that exist in this chain are a true symbol of two friends being there for each other every step of the way in such unchartered territory.

the facebook messages even revealed to me the first time i met brian. it was february 16th, 2008. a saturday. right after they became official. we were at robby and elizabeth’s in la jolla and did a quick stop-in to meet brian before heading to see our favorite tristan prettyman in la. what i remember most about that first encounter was just how clear it was that brian knew he was meeting someone important. and i don't mean that in a self-boasting kind of way, i mean it genuinely, in a this-is-the-real-deal kind of way. my second time hanging out with brian was the day after. it was a night spent sitting at his kitchen table - with james - in fits of laughter about gosh knows what now, but i remember laughing so hard it hurt and many an inside joke were born. the thing was, it all came so easily. the comfort was there from the beginning.

one of the biggest gems i discovered in this facebook correspondence came from a message sent on november 14th, 2007.

me to alexis: 

i can't believe you are like going to get a boyfriend... what? where did he come from?

and alexis in response: 

i'm not getting a boyfriend, gean. it was one movie, one kiss, and two tattoos.

well, friend, i guess you were wrong about that one.

i once emailed brian in the winter of 2009 when i knew alexis was going through a bit of a rough patch. since i couldn't help solve the problem with a therapy walk to sands like we'd done countless times before in college, i reached out to him as he was the person who was her greatest source of love.

in more words than this, i wrote:

i know you are, but please take care of my little alexis. you are such a positive influence in her life... one of her role models and inspirations and sources of love. i'm so glad she has you.

and in brian's response he said:

i will do everything in my power to help her regain that spirit and that spark. gina, i promise i will take care of alexis. i love her too.

bri, you've always been a keeper. always. you let me sit in the front seat and you in the back when alexis drives. you let me have the bed while you sleep on the floor. you get on the phone too when I call for advice and weigh in with your own. you let alexis and i name your tattoo mitchy without even getting mad about it. but, most importantly, you love my best friend the way she deserves to be loved, and for that i will be eternally grateful.

alexis, i remember when we were in hawaii with my family in the summer of 2006 snapping photos on the beach. after one in particular you said to me this one's for the wedding montage. for some reason, that always stuck with me. like we were in this together. like we'd be looking out for each other on this road to falling in love and getting married. so, here we are on your wedding day, and in this moment i could not be happier for you.

i'll end with a quote that i once wrote to you, soulmates are people who bring out the best in you. they are not perfect, but they are always perfect for you.

so here's to brian and alexis, the kind of soulmates who will always bring out the best in the other. and, here's to a lifetime of being perfect for each other.

i love you both!

***

ps. for more on the characters in this tale see here and here. 

published.

you guys. YOU GUYS! i got published. small potatoes here, but really, i don't care how minuscule they are. baby steps. BABY STEPS!

let me explain.

my job.

i do marketing for three women's lifestyle sites part of aol: stylelist, kitchendaily, and homesessive {you remember i'm an aol fanatic, right? exhibit a, b, c, d, and most importantly, e}. these sites are gems! please take a look. it's so fun to learn and grow, just as they do.

anyhow, as you probably know, writing is something i'm fascinated with. it invigorates me, moves me, and challenges me. there are few things in life i've ever wanted to be better at than i want to be at writing.

so the long and short of it is i will stay up to the wee hours of the night {as you've seen from me here many-a-time}. you can check out my contributions over here on homesessive. a site all about... you guessed it... your home! this particular editorial series is one on your home now. that means at any life stage, really. your first home. your home together. your family home. and your home and beyond. all brought to you by none other than... p&g.

my first piece is one you've actually seen, perhaps. remember, apartment 24? well this evolved into lessons learned: studio living, an article about living in your first apartment all on your own and learning to decorate using your own taste and personality.

the second piece took a little field research with the 'ol parentals as they embark on the empty nest phase of life. what information do you need about your home now that you don't feel is available to you? i asked. i learned that they are very passionate about investing time and money into turning their master bedroom and bathroom into a spa {well, that's reason enough right there to visit home more often!}. my informal interview lead to this article: 8 ways to turn your bathroom into a spa. i hope i could share with them something new and valuable they hadn't thought of yet. and p.s. check out the printable guide i made which contains quick tips on what to remember when living in your first home.

so that's that. beware, if i run into you, i just might start asking questions about your home. bare with me, oh won't you please? and if you feel like sharing, all ideas and thoughts for topics are very much welcomed and appreciated. send my your ideas!

so this week i am grateful for the small milestone. i am a rookie, it's not perfect. but, you know what they say...

you gotta start somewhere.

and that somewhere is here.

ode.

the long and the short of it all is i haven't been writing. i don't know where to start, and yet i don't know where to end. i can blame it on work and new york and exhaustion and oh-so-many things, but the truth is, i've been hiding. coasting. settling.

well, it's no way to live. one does not thrive with a quiet voice and a dim light.

it is me myself and only i who has to own and create space to be me. to shine. i am lost without the written word. the reflection. the creativity. the content. i feel absent and disconnected. and that is not sustainable.

all i know is that this space is important. it is a platform. one that deserves someone to stand tall and proud atop it's beautiful mountain of words. so it is here, a place where i will speak.

*photo from the one and only max.

ode de mama.

a little note on mother's day.
___

every time i move into a new apartment you buy me a new tea kettle. it's the dearest thing. i don't know what it is, but somehow you get me all set up, decide to boil some hot water, and find that the whistle is broken. god forbid i burn the house down.

in fifth grade i was afraid to go to school because i thought you were going to die while i was there. remember that? {oh, kids, where do they come up with this stuff?}. i hated going away to sleepovers because i couldn't bare not sleeping down the hall from you. i believe they call that separation anxiety at it's very finest, a textbook case if you will.

now, ironically enough, i'm three thousand miles away from you, and oh how i miss you so. 

somehow, i think the distance saved us, ya know? you know me better than anyone else in the world, and this new chapter is helping us to get each other for once and for all. i've truly lost track of where we veered off course and frankly, it doesn't matter because we're finding our way back again. no matter where i go or what i do, i need you more than any other person on the planet. do you know that? despite any negative exchanges between us, it all comes down to one thing. love. you love me more than anything, this i know for sure. somehow i know that every single ounce of energy you've ever given me - positive or negative - is because you created me and you care about me more than i know how to care for another human being. someday i'll learn.

you are passionate and talented. more talented than you could ever possibly know. can you make me a promise? create more. make those topiary trees you were always so good at. redecorate a room or two. get a dog to cuddle with. turn on billy joel and dance in the family room - glass of wine in hand. share your goodness with the world, you have so much to offer. you are one of those unique people who is gorgeous both inside and out.

happy mother's day. thank you for giving me life. and thank you for being one of my biggest fans. motherhood sometimes feels like a one-way street, huh? a give give give while the other takes takes takes. well, i vow to start driving down this newly created two-way street. fresh black pavement, yellow dividers, and all.

let's start now.

hi, mom. how was your day?

i love you.
geans
___

to all the moms out there, i wish you a day of recognition and goodness.

*photo taken on irving street, nyc. easter 2013.

blogger and believer in love.

i believe that i have several identities, and one of them is most definitely blogger. it's a label i feel comes with several attachments, like oh you write your feelings on the internet. but also oh! you are apart of that kick a** group of creative women who are changing the face the internet - and writing and publishing - in fact. well, whatever we may categorize a blogger to be, i miss the days of being one. 

it feels like long gone are the days when i had hours upon hours in my quiet little haven, in my city by the bay to just think. and to express. and to gather my thoughts. and write them down. i miss that sacred time of reflection. and quite frankly, i miss my corner of the internet i created as a place to call my own to document what is most important to me. giving my undivided attention to writing is hard to come by at the moment. this new pace at which i'm functioning - one where i have to be one step ahead - leaves little to no brain space for quiet moments of writing. nor does it leave me in a place where i feel fully satisfied with my words. just like a relationship, these words deserve tender loving care, none of this half-committed wishy washy stuff.

in due time. in due time.

that’s what i keep telling myself. 

once i have a place to call home. once i get my bearings. once i find my stride in my professional life. i'll find balance. and i will sink back into my normal routine. my essence... blogger. and always always a believer in love. 

steady.

all i want to do is write.

the words take a while to come. the right words, that is. a whole long while. but eventually they come. and the floodgates open and inspiration hits. and it pours. like a rush of white light shining through my consciousness. steady now, sweet words 'o mine i want to tell them.

i was on a plane this morning and it dawned on me that writing is a whole lot like flying. and, not just any flying. the early morning kind.

it starts out dark. we are a whole mess of sleepiness and confusion. and then before we know it, we're soaring high above the world below us. we enter a universe that exists only within ourselves, above the clouds. our own safe, quiet, and protected universe where we must surrender control. the light {like the words} seeps in slowly, a swirl of all sorts of magical reds… and blues… and oranges. and then there is only brightness. we shine. we are blinded by the white light. we float, enduring the often bumpy ride, but we remain still within ourselves.

we are steady.

before we know it, we are back down to earth again amongst the noise. it's here we wait for the next time we get to soar, all the while grateful for the journey.

i was telling a friend the other day i wish i could write more. to feel that focused and mindful consciousness a little more often. maybe i need to take up flying.

tell me, as a writer, what is your experience like?

*song inspiration for this post: ben howard. pics from my iphone.

write like a motherf*cker.

there are some incredibly rad women on this plant. many of which i've written about here... oprah, anna quindlen, and brené brown to name a few. and among them is ms. cheryl strayed. i picked up her book tiny beautiful things back in the fall and read the majority of it while i was galavanting abroad {aka on long flights}. she also writes the ever popular wild, which is on my to-read-as-soon-as-possible list.

this past sunday i was fortunate enough to see her speak in person and she was as captivating in real life as she is in her books.

cheryl spoke with such authenticity and stoicism. that's what i love about writers - especially those who write memoirs - they are comfortable with vulnerability by owning their words, feelings, and life experiences. the thing is, someone can always relate with pain and raw emotion.

i couldn't help but want to be on stage as the interviewer. do you have a writing sanctuary? what is your writing routine? how do you create titles to your work? what is your favorite part about being a writer? alas, just an audience member. someday! oh someday i'll get to have conversations with the greats.

one of my favorite {and subtle} things she did on several occasions was refer to herself as an artist. and that's what writers are, yes? beautiful and eloquent word stringing artists. may you bring out your inner artist and as cheryl says, write like a motherf*cker.

words.

her life really was an open book. blank pages ready to be filled with adventures and read aloud to the world.

use your best words she thought to herself. the kind that leave people never wanting to put you down.

happy weekend, lovlies. may it be filled with beautiful words on those blank pages of yours. xo.

*photo: art installation on columbus and broadway, san francisco, ca -  my instagram.

proud.

it was a crisp fall morning in november. the sky was bright, the air was fresh, and the leaves were radiating of florescent reds, yellows, and oranges. it was the kind of morning that belongs in your memory forever, a setting so idyllic that you felt like you were reading a picture book of your own life.

two childhood friends took a stroll on this page of this particular book that pictured a fall morning scene discussing life and love and relationships and, well, it dawned on them that one was not herself without the other. after nearly twenty seven years of friendship, one slowed her gait and said,

i'm proud of you.

and the other responded, i'm proud of our friendship.

oh this book, this one's the tale of two friends who know every vulnerable thing about the other, and love each other just the same.

*photo found on my pin board, 'tis the season for pinning. 

my story.

we all know my thing with telling our stories, and that each of us has our own one to share. well today, when one of my favorite teachers hosted a workshop about rewriting our own stories, my yoga and writing worlds pretty much collided.

i learned that the stories we've lived in all along... the ones of our past... don't necessarily have to be the ones we choose to live with in our present. dreams can become reality, and it is possible to let go of preconceived notions that do not serve us in order to step into new territory and embrace what is.

i left with a little more courage than i had when i walked through the door. and, doing yoga while blindfolded channeled a deep trust in myself that i didn't know existed... as if no matter what happens throughout life i can tap into my inner strength and find balance.

i also brought home two lovely drawings, which may remind you of this one. i love a good crayon session. in summary, my visualizations consist of breaking out of my comfort zone, being the free-spirit i know that i am, and floating on a river of joy that consistently flows through my open heart.

wherever you go, go with all your heart.

~confucius

as i'm in the thick of understanding what my next chapter is, this will be my mantra.

amulet.

he was in her life for but a brief moment. too brief.

i could get used to this she found herself repeating over and over.

but, before she could even get to the top of her long inhale or re-open her eyes after soaking in all of his goodness, he was gone. 

timing is everything, my dear...

and with that, she left him with a little bit of luck. to follow his dreams and maybe his way back to her someday.

dear diary.

sometimes we just need to write and to let it all out.

dear diary,

today i am grateful for...

early morning sunlight illuminating through my apartment windows. it was a snooze button kind of day, but i surely did enjoy the gradual pouring in of light. oh hello, may.

one of my new favorite treats is a soy latté {not sure where that came from}. i indulge in adding two splenda and cinnamon {yeah yeah... i know what you're thinking about the splenda thing}.

brand new journals. a girl can never have too many. she makes the day brighter. she leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes. thank you mins, you always have your eye out for others.

now, may you document your hopes and dreams and goals. and forget not to vent your troubles and worries and fears. get it out there in that paper universe. i promise, it works.

i always will.

she had a thing for sleeve tattoos. of all things {said with an eye roll, emphasis on the all} the ink just melted her.

what was it about his armful of stories?

maybe it was the façade of a hard exterior shell that he portrayed, but really underneath it all, he was as kind as they come. 

the first time they met she asked him, what's the meaning of that one there?

but it took him until the third time they saw each other for him to give into her curious heart. to tell her his stories from past lives. dreams and memories and roads well-traveled.

though he might not admit it to many, he knew on that first encounter she'd have a mark on his arm someday. she'd be part of his story. and, so would two beautiful babies they would together bring into this world.

all of their names are transcribed side by side on his arm. because they will forever be connected. like ink, family is permanent.

ahhhh, she finally realized. that's the reason that arm of yours is so sexy. the sweet hidden meanings behind the "badass."

i love you, she thought. i always will.

*{oh max, you get me every time}

is it saturday yet?

saturday mornings were her favorite mornings of all.

mostly because she got to linger with him next to her {a lot} longer than usual.

and after a deep nights sleep, devoured in feathers and warmth, there was nothing better - in her opinion - than that early saturday morning light, the smell of him, and skin to skin.

it was that simple.

if she got her weekly dose of this, a lifetime of happiness lay ahead...she was sure of it.

being easily pleased was always one of her fortés.

*inspiration found here. i sure am glad it's almost the weekend.

on turning two.

dear curren,

i remember the day i found out you would be coming into the world. i can even recall what your mama was wearing. a gray sweater dress with awesome gray suede heels. the scar on her knee was particularly prominent that day. scars build character though, don't you worry. it's funny the tiny details that stick with us, when the big moments happen in life.

well, your mama and i were standing on the street corner in san francisco and when she told me the good news about you, i hugged her so big i think i just might have picked her up and twirled her around in circles. it was a beautiful, sunny afternoon. then i said a big fat "i told you so." i think i knew you were in her tummy before she even did. but let's keep that between us, okay?

today marks your second birthday. you are loved, little one. i am so thankful to be one of your many loving aunties and witness you grow up to be...anything you want...like, say, the next justin bieber. no pressure though. when you're in your twenties i'll be sure to remind you of the sweet moves you had on the eve of seven hundred and thirty days around the sun. i really do owe you one. because of you, i learned a whole lot about the step-by-step process of bringing a little babe into this world.

may you always embrace your authentic, cool self. it's the only way to live, buddy. and, you've got two perfect parental role models to guide you.

all my love,

auntie geenz

dancing in the moonlight.

she always bought a perfect bouquet of delicate pink peonies on the night of a full moon. stopped at every local flower stand within a mile radius until she found her bunch.

since she didn't sleep a wink anyways, might has well fill that gem of an apartment with something pretty to gaze at under the fluorescent silver light of the moon.

but it was more than that. 

peonies were the cure for love and romance, symbolizing a happy and harmonious companionship.

these nights she believed her one true love could hear her thoughts. she'd speak to him. hurry up and find me, my love.

melt.

the entire world lay just beyond the reach of her fingertips {you know, the perfectly manicured ones} and yet she was too blinded by her own fears to see it for herself.



you make me want to melt, he told her.

only in her own time did she believe in the power of her own self-worth and her inner truth.

dip me, she begged him. that's all i need. to be carried for a while.

beginnings.

sometimes i have the hardest time starting my words. i stare at you for quite some time, crafting how i want to begin our little chit chat, but it doesn't always come easily.

what is it with beginnings anyway? often times they are more difficult than i would like.

"beginnings are scary. endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. so when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will."
~hope floats

lord knows i have plenty to say, it's just a matter of putting it ever so perfectly for you. because, i like perfect words {especially for your eyes}. the kind that leave you hanging onto every last syllable... every last drop.

for instance, each and every time i read her ink, it's as if i've finished the most quenching glass of ice cold water post eight-mile run on a scorching hot day. she gets it - you know, the sweet part of life - and she's just that good. gut-wrenchingly good.

she's my mentor, my words mentor. i think it's about time i let her know.

*may this photo inspire you to live a little recklessly this week. just begin. we could all use a little help leaping into the unknown.