zzz.

these past few weeks i've had a really hard time sleeping, and, coming from an... i'd say, better than average sleeper, it's becoming quite annoying. it seems like as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing and floods with all things {mostly} work related. is it just me? or is anyone else out there having this issue too?

i rehash the day in my head, overanalyze the conversations, criticize myself for making mistakes, and anticipate the future. i also think about what a bad friend i am for not responding to an email, not checking in with that special person, regretting my purchase of a one-month stint at online dating {talk about your mind being your own worst enemy, well these are the hours that enemy comes out to play}. i'm filled with worry and fret and it all happens during the hours i so desperately need to be recharging and rebooting with some perfectly blissful sleep.

and since, historically, i've been such a good sleeper, i can only attribute this to stress and anxiety.

i remember when i was little, my dad had major sleep problems. it was when he ran his own business over a span of fifteen years. i recently asked him about this phase of his life and i finally put two and two together. running your own company is hard work, and maybe work-stress-induced loss of sleep runs in the family.

anyhow, i long for the days of head hit the pillow and that's a wrap. i hope they come back soon because, well, we're not saving lives over here. i think this is just a phase and it will all calm down and go back to normal soon otherwise i just might be choosing that easy living life path a lot sooner than i thought. but, i'm not ready for that yet, so until then i'm praying. and counting sheep. and focusing on bed time routines. and instilling a no technology after ten pm policy. and feeling grateful for this cozy bed. breathe in. breathe out. goodnight, my stars.

*photo via. 

secrets and confessions.

can i tell you a secret?

why, yes, of course. it's what i seem to do best here, share secrets.

two of the things i absolutely want to do now that i live in new york {wow, that statement seems surreal}: write and dance.

actually, the secret really is that it just might subconsciously be part of the reason i moved to new york in the first place. to pursue writing and dancing and for my life to come full circle. while these are two hobbies one can pursue anywhere, somehow they feel very real in this city of possibility.

i had a best in town this weekend, and as i sat across the table from her discussing our own happenings in our very different phases of life, it dawned on me that the most spectacular part of mine at the moment is that i have no idea how it will turn out. and something about that fact excited me, and made me want to sit back and be a spectator as the adventure unfolds. life is an adventure if we make it one, now isn't it?

i currently have several tabs open in my browser, all of which are derived from google searches and my two secrets: grad programs for writing, editing, publishing, & journalism and best jazz dance class in nyc. 

oh and one other thing, i had three - count it, three - dreams about being in love this week. just sayin'.

and also, i really want a dog.

*photos on my be free pin board here & here.

on god.

you know, i'm not as religious as i thought i once would be. i realize, that's kind of a peculiar sentence, but it's the truth.

yoga has become my religion. and, it's not because i don't believe in god or catholicism {heck, i still have that catholic guilt!}, it's just that i found something that made me feel more connected to the divine... the higher power... god... the universe... {whichever term you prefer} than sitting in church on sunday mornings. and that's not to ever ever discount those who do. my grandmother is the best catholic i know. she taught me to count the beads on a rosary, whispering the our fathers and the hail mary's before bed, she never holds back a "jesus, mary and joseph" when things get tense, and she's worn st. christopher - the patron saint of travel - pinned to the inside of her shirt every single day since her first communion. and guys, she's eighty nine! now, that's true faith.

anyhow, i believe god wants us to pick the way to connect to the higher power in the way that is the best for us as individuals. so every time i get on my mat i dedicate every ounce of energy to someone who needs it most. i offer up all of the goodness i cultivate and say a prayer. it's what comes easiest to me. i receive my own benefits as well... keeping the revelations for myself and sharing them... well, right here.

yoga has taught me that i can take pieces from all religions - whether it be buddhism, hinduism, christianity - gathering ideas and stories from each to create my own positive belief system. i think we must choose wisely, seeking out that which resonates best, and in turn, allows us to be our most giving and moral selves.

something dawned on me the other day during a much anticipated, new yoga class. she said, we have the same suffering. we have the same happiness. we are all one. the good... the bad... it's all god. 

then i had this thought that maybe that's where the word god came from. good... bad... god. combine the two to get one. if you think about it, god accepts both good and bad. the universe is made up of both good and bad. and, that's what makes us all one universal whole.

...and with that, i leave with none other than a namaste. thank you for stopping in to read what it's all happening has become... my own little medley of religion.

*did you notice the hummingbird found here? prayer beads found here.

lollygag.

i am a lollygagger. a dillydally-er. self proclaimed.

these are funny words, don't you think? but, dolls, these are real words. like in the english dictionary!

lollygag (v): to spend time idly, aimlessly, or foolishly; dawdle
dillydally (v): to waste time, especially by indecision

the lolly's and the dilly's only happen in the morning, and at night. i take my sweeeeet time and saunter right on through at my own content pace. the sense of urgency comes as the day progresses, and winds down again in the eve.

i used to think this was a character flaw, but now i'm chalking it up to enjoying the moment {it's all about how we spin things, yes? an important lesson i learned in my professional life}.

so, i guess i am documenting this pointless piece of information because i realized i should be thankful for doing things at my own pace instead of rush rush rushing through each and every task. i might be late for a thing or two, or not maximize every waking moment, but sometimes slow and steady is nice. and, i'm grateful for it among the stress that is all-consuming at times.

so lollygag for a day or two with me, will you? see how it fits.

*swinging bliss found here.

dive.

i'm distracted this month.

can you tell?

writing is hit or miss these days, dolls. i've been a bit of a miss lately, but i'd much rather be a hit.  just like how i would in real life. and, i do believe the way in which we feel about how we write is a direct reflection of how we feel about ourselves. no wonder i've been down and out.

such is life. with the highs must come the lows.

i'm waiting for something instead of diving in with reckless abandon.

i heard one of those right on statements tonight to share with you.

what you put up with, you end up with.

let's follow our own bliss. and dive right in.

{here}

someday i'll be a duet.

wanna know a secret?

{since, well, this blog is all about secret confessions, isn't it?}

sometimes when i'm feeling a little off or hopeless or a teeny tiny bit glass-half-empty-ish, i look over here, here, here, and never forget here.

life is instantly re-filled with joy and my belief in falling in love is reinstated. 

then i listen to this duet by rachael yamagata and ray la montage and i start to feel love sneak back in.



give it a listen.

it'll melt over every cell of your being.

*let's fly. because if you're a bird, i'm a bird.

acceptance.

i want you to know...

you can always tell me anything.

i won't judge you.

i'd like to always put this comforting energy out into the universe. i want to be known for it. for forever.

{it must be the psychology major in me}.

i have open arms and an open heart. i will listen.



leaving you with a little confession...daydreaming of a tattoo...

heart on her lips
soul within her eyes

left ribs. light color. perfect font.

someday i might have the courage, but that's not anytime soon.

a girl can dream, right?